Posted on Saturday, August 3rd, 2013 by Austin Gerth
This Winter, I will be warmer than you.
That, folks, is an overcoat, formerly owned by my paternal grandfather, who died before I was born. I am its proud new owner. It was delivered to me late in the night a week or two ago by my jolly uncle Philip, who is incapable of wearing the thing anymore, as its cut does not suit his shoulders. Phil wanted the coat to be passed on to another family member who could put it to noble use; I was the natural candidate, of course, as one of the last proud sons of the Gerth clan. The thing fits my shoulders like Cinderella’s slipper, and wearing it is like wearing the skin of a bear wearing a tuxedo (i.e. warm). The coat is apparently meant to be worn over a suit or other relatively bulky, fine menswear, which means it will be useful for transporting band instruments between campus buildings for concerts this year. The overcoat’s story is that my grandfather apparently wanted a coat nice enough to be worn over a suit when he went to funerals during the cold winter months. That whimsically morbid reason for the coat’s purchase (who knows why the old farmer would be attending so many funerals that he felt the need to buy a special coat for such occasions?) is what initially piqued my interest in having it. When I finally laid eyes upon the coat, however, I was dumbfounded, and unsure of what to make of it: would I actually wear such a thing? That’s what mothballs smell like? Would society really accept this? All these questions and more flew through my brain in an instant, and all were thrown aside with equal speed when I put the coat on, and when I realized that it kind of looks like the cover of R. Kelly’s 2000 album TP-2.COM: